Why does it have to be so hard?

I don't understand why it has to be so hard for me to make a commitment to myself to get better and to really do what it takes to do that. Why does it have to be so hard to just do things that will help me get better. Like getting out of the house and doing stuff is important to my mental and emotional health and well being and yet I don't push myself to do it. I can push myself to do things when other people involved, like going to Wisconsin Dells next weekend with my family, because they are depending on me and they really want me to go. But when it's just for me, I can't seem to just make myself go. I get anxious and afraid something bad might happen and don't go, but what I really need to do is challenge the thoughts I am having about something bad happening and go anyway. Why can't I just do that? I have all these coping strategies written down but I can't even remember to look at the list so I can try to use them when I am anxious. It doesn't make any sense and it makes it sound like I don't want to get better, when I really do want to get better very badly. I don't understand why I don't use the coping strategies and why I can't find a way to be accountable to myself, but I can be accountable to everyone else. Why? Why don't I just use the tools at my disposal so I can get better? Why do I just continue using coping mechanisms and tools that don't work, that aren't helping me and may even be causing me harm, making things worse and keeping me stuck in a vicious cycle of anxiety, avoidance, depression, immobility, and pain? It doesn't make any sense and it seems like no one has an explanation for me other than to say that maybe I don't really want to get better, which isn't true and doesn't help. I am a little afraid to get better because it is an unknown and I have to step outside my comfort zone, but I want to get better. Being afraid doesn't mean not wanting to get better. Why wouldn't my therapist tell me how to counteract that fear I have about getting better instead of saying I don't want to? She is right about me having to do the work to get better and that it takes a commitment to do what it takes to get better. But I don't think it's right to tell me I don't want to get better every time my fear is getting in the way of my progress in getting better. It's not okay. She's supposed to be helping me, not making me feel guilty and inadequate and like I am not trying to get better. She's not supposed to be chastising me like a child, she's supposed to be helping me cope with these things, and she's supposed to be helping me figure out what is getting in the way of my progress and helping me to find a way to overcome those barriers. Instead I feel like I am not trying at all, I feel like I am a bad person and I feel guilty for not being able to do the things that will help me get better. It really sucks, and I really wish I could get a different therapist because things with this one don't seem to be working out and we just seem not to be at all on the same page. I also don't feel like I can tell her things because they come out wrong and she thinks one thing when really something else is going on, and because I don't always to how to say it and I spend a lot of time sitting there trying to figure out how to say it and not actually saying it. I also feel like I just can't tell people somethings, and also I sometimes feel uncomfortable telling her things. She asks questions a lot and that is totally unhelpful when I am having a hard time figuring out how to say what I am trying to say, it totally throws me off and then I lose my whole train of thought and we end up on a whole different topic than what I was trying to talk about. And she asks me questions like "What do you think you need to get better?" and I have no idea what to say to that. If I knew what I needed to get better, I would have told her that I need X,Y, and Z to get better and asked if we could do that or whatever. I mean really, if I knew what I needed to get better, would I be stuck the way I am? My therapist is a good person and everything, but I just feel like I can't relate to her and I don't know what to do. I can't switch therapists now because I have to have one to join this therapy group I am on the waiting list for, and I don't want to mess up my opportunity of getting into this group because I tried to switch therapists and couldn't find one and then I made it to the top of the waiting list and had no therapist. I don't know what to do anymore and I am tired of this crap!! Now if I could just figure out how to keep my promises to myself, how to make a commitment to getting better and really stick with it and do the work, and actually do the things that my therapist has suggested I do to help me cope, that would be great!! Too bad life's not that easy and it's going to take a lot for me to figure this stuff out.

Feeling stuck

I am feeling very stuck in my life. I feel like I cannot get out of this rut I am in. My depression and anxiety seem to have taken over my life. I just want to get better and to be able to be happy again. I just want my life back!! I am so sick and tired of being afraid of things like drinking chamomile tea to help me sleep or eating zucchini or taking medications because I am afraid they might make me sick. Most things that I've been afraid might make me sick have had no effect on me at all, or I even feel good after I've eaten or drunk them, but still I am afraid. I am so tired of being afraid all the time, sometimes I am afraid without any reason at all and I hate it. I just want to be free!! I don't know how to get myself out of this rut I am in and back into some semblance of a life. God, why does it have to be so hard?? And why am I afraid to get better???? God please just help me, please!!!