Afraid to have a life?

I sometimes feel like I am afraid to have a life. It's not good. I want to have a life, I don't want to be afraid to live my life the way I should. I hate having anxiety, I feel like it's taking over my life, and I just want my life back. I hate having depression, too, because it makes me feel like there's no point to living life, that nothing will change and it doesn't matter what I do, that I will never get better. I hate having IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) it sucks so much, and it also feels like it is taking over my life, like it's stealing my life away. I just want to have a life, that's all. I just don't want to be afraid to live life anymore. I just wish something I did would help, even a little bit. I hate feeling so stuck, it sucks so much. I just need help!! I just want to be free!!! It feels like nobody and nothing can help me and that I am just stuck feeling this way and there's nothing I can do to change it, I really hate this, I really just want it to stop!! WHY CAN'T IT JUST BE OVER!!!!!

Sleep deprivation and IBS..this really sucks!

I wish I could sleep!! I haven't fallen asleep earlier than 4am for the last week or so. I keep falling asleep at like 6am and sleeping all day. The last few days I have fallen asleep at 6am and slept until 4pm. It's no good. I never go anywhere and pretty much stay in my room most of of the time. I HAVE NO LIFE!!! My depression and anxiety cause this inertia in my life, I feel so stuck and I don't know what to do about it. Then there's my IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and that feeds the depression and anxiety and helps keep me immobilized. I worry about my stomach getting really bad again like it was at Christmastime. I was so sick I couldn't eat, everything I ate made me feel like I was going to be sick or something. I couldn't keep food down when I did eat and I lost a lot of weight. I had excruciating abdominal pain and diarrhea that wouldn't stop, it was awful. I was in the E.R. twice and they just said it was my IBS, probably triggered by a viral infection and sent me home, after taking like 7 vials of blood, pumping me full of I.V. fluids, and giving me X-Rays, ultrasounds and other tests to rule out more serious conditions like appendicitis and gallbladder problems. After my first E.R. visit I started feeling better and tried to start eating more normally, only to get horribly sick and end up back in the E.R. a second time. I discovered that I needed to change the way I eat and I started eating again, this time starting with bland, easy to digest foods like crackers, toast, bananas, rice, applesauce, potatoes, etc., and then adding grilled chicken, pork, and shrimp. I then started eating vegetables and other healthy things that I liked eating. I pretty much gave up eating dairy because it was hard on my stomach. I eventually was diagnosed as lactose intolerant, after having mashed potatoes at Easter that were made with milk and butter and getting diarrhea that lasted for over a week. Once I completely gave up dairy and made sure I read labels on things to make sure that weren't made with dairy products, I slowly started to get over the diarrhea. I had to change my diet one more time, to a low residue/low fiber diet and I finally got the diarrhea under control, only to develop constipation. As a result of my diet changes, especially eliminating greasy, fatty, fried foods, I lost a lot of weight. Last May I weighed 180lbs, and due to exercise and an antidepressant that suppressed my appetite, I went from 180lbs to 160lbs in like 5 or 6 months. Then when I got sick I went from 160lbs to 140lbs in only 2 or 3 months. I continued to lose weight and now I only weigh 110lbs. I like the way I look now, but I worry about the effect that this much weight loss has had on my health. I just know I am absolutely fed up with my stomach acting up all the time. I am tired of worrying about eating something that may cause my stomach to get really bad like it was at Christmas. I never want to be that sick again in my life. I am sick of constipation, sick of diarrhea, sick of abdominal pain, sick of gas, sick of wondering what I can eat without getting sick, sick of being sick. I am just sick of IBS and how it seems to be taking over my life. I am sick of the way the anxiety and depression seem to be also taking over my life and of how they feed the IBS and how the IBS feeds the depression and anxiety. I am sick of struggling and sick of feeling trapped by these conditions. I am sick of feeling afraid to have a life because of my IBS, Anxiety, and Depression and the way they make me feel. I am SO SICK OF FEELING LIKE I HAVE NO LIFE!!! I JUST WANT TO BE FREE!!!! I JUST WANT TO FEEL HAPPY AND BE HEALTHY AGAIN!!! Is that so much to ask????

So far so good...I guess

So far my depression and anxiety blog is doing well, I guess. I have gotten some comments about my posts and it seems like people are interested in my story. I have written about the abuse I went through as a child and those are the posts that seem to have gotten the most comments. This whole blogging thing is a great idea and I am definitely going to be keeping it up. I think I might be able to turn my depression and anxiety blog into a pretty good book eventually. I sure hope I can, because I really would love to be able to write a book and get it published. I have discovered things that I felt during my childhood and afterward that I didn't even realize I felt. I have realized that I remember more things about that time than I thought I did, and more things than I really wanted to remember. It is helping me to get things out that I have bottled up for a long time. This is definitely something I should be doing and I will definitely keep it up. This blog is also helpful because I can just get things out and be random. This blog is where I come to vent and talk about what comes up in writing my other blog. It is where I come to let off steam when I am angry or to try to come up with ideas when I am stuck. It is where I can let my mind wander and so come up with a good idea or new way of looking at things. This blog is more like a journal than the other one, it is a place where I can just write what comes to mind and let my thoughts just flow. It really is quite random and that's just the way it's going to stay.