Why does it have to be so hard?

I don't understand why it has to be so hard for me to make a commitment to myself to get better and to really do what it takes to do that. Why does it have to be so hard to just do things that will help me get better. Like getting out of the house and doing stuff is important to my mental and emotional health and well being and yet I don't push myself to do it. I can push myself to do things when other people involved, like going to Wisconsin Dells next weekend with my family, because they are depending on me and they really want me to go. But when it's just for me, I can't seem to just make myself go. I get anxious and afraid something bad might happen and don't go, but what I really need to do is challenge the thoughts I am having about something bad happening and go anyway. Why can't I just do that? I have all these coping strategies written down but I can't even remember to look at the list so I can try to use them when I am anxious. It doesn't make any sense and it makes it sound like I don't want to get better, when I really do want to get better very badly. I don't understand why I don't use the coping strategies and why I can't find a way to be accountable to myself, but I can be accountable to everyone else. Why? Why don't I just use the tools at my disposal so I can get better? Why do I just continue using coping mechanisms and tools that don't work, that aren't helping me and may even be causing me harm, making things worse and keeping me stuck in a vicious cycle of anxiety, avoidance, depression, immobility, and pain? It doesn't make any sense and it seems like no one has an explanation for me other than to say that maybe I don't really want to get better, which isn't true and doesn't help. I am a little afraid to get better because it is an unknown and I have to step outside my comfort zone, but I want to get better. Being afraid doesn't mean not wanting to get better. Why wouldn't my therapist tell me how to counteract that fear I have about getting better instead of saying I don't want to? She is right about me having to do the work to get better and that it takes a commitment to do what it takes to get better. But I don't think it's right to tell me I don't want to get better every time my fear is getting in the way of my progress in getting better. It's not okay. She's supposed to be helping me, not making me feel guilty and inadequate and like I am not trying to get better. She's not supposed to be chastising me like a child, she's supposed to be helping me cope with these things, and she's supposed to be helping me figure out what is getting in the way of my progress and helping me to find a way to overcome those barriers. Instead I feel like I am not trying at all, I feel like I am a bad person and I feel guilty for not being able to do the things that will help me get better. It really sucks, and I really wish I could get a different therapist because things with this one don't seem to be working out and we just seem not to be at all on the same page. I also don't feel like I can tell her things because they come out wrong and she thinks one thing when really something else is going on, and because I don't always to how to say it and I spend a lot of time sitting there trying to figure out how to say it and not actually saying it. I also feel like I just can't tell people somethings, and also I sometimes feel uncomfortable telling her things. She asks questions a lot and that is totally unhelpful when I am having a hard time figuring out how to say what I am trying to say, it totally throws me off and then I lose my whole train of thought and we end up on a whole different topic than what I was trying to talk about. And she asks me questions like "What do you think you need to get better?" and I have no idea what to say to that. If I knew what I needed to get better, I would have told her that I need X,Y, and Z to get better and asked if we could do that or whatever. I mean really, if I knew what I needed to get better, would I be stuck the way I am? My therapist is a good person and everything, but I just feel like I can't relate to her and I don't know what to do. I can't switch therapists now because I have to have one to join this therapy group I am on the waiting list for, and I don't want to mess up my opportunity of getting into this group because I tried to switch therapists and couldn't find one and then I made it to the top of the waiting list and had no therapist. I don't know what to do anymore and I am tired of this crap!! Now if I could just figure out how to keep my promises to myself, how to make a commitment to getting better and really stick with it and do the work, and actually do the things that my therapist has suggested I do to help me cope, that would be great!! Too bad life's not that easy and it's going to take a lot for me to figure this stuff out.

Feeling stuck

I am feeling very stuck in my life. I feel like I cannot get out of this rut I am in. My depression and anxiety seem to have taken over my life. I just want to get better and to be able to be happy again. I just want my life back!! I am so sick and tired of being afraid of things like drinking chamomile tea to help me sleep or eating zucchini or taking medications because I am afraid they might make me sick. Most things that I've been afraid might make me sick have had no effect on me at all, or I even feel good after I've eaten or drunk them, but still I am afraid. I am so tired of being afraid all the time, sometimes I am afraid without any reason at all and I hate it. I just want to be free!! I don't know how to get myself out of this rut I am in and back into some semblance of a life. God, why does it have to be so hard?? And why am I afraid to get better???? God please just help me, please!!!

Afraid to have a life?

I sometimes feel like I am afraid to have a life. It's not good. I want to have a life, I don't want to be afraid to live my life the way I should. I hate having anxiety, I feel like it's taking over my life, and I just want my life back. I hate having depression, too, because it makes me feel like there's no point to living life, that nothing will change and it doesn't matter what I do, that I will never get better. I hate having IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) it sucks so much, and it also feels like it is taking over my life, like it's stealing my life away. I just want to have a life, that's all. I just don't want to be afraid to live life anymore. I just wish something I did would help, even a little bit. I hate feeling so stuck, it sucks so much. I just need help!! I just want to be free!!! It feels like nobody and nothing can help me and that I am just stuck feeling this way and there's nothing I can do to change it, I really hate this, I really just want it to stop!! WHY CAN'T IT JUST BE OVER!!!!!

Sleep deprivation and IBS..this really sucks!

I wish I could sleep!! I haven't fallen asleep earlier than 4am for the last week or so. I keep falling asleep at like 6am and sleeping all day. The last few days I have fallen asleep at 6am and slept until 4pm. It's no good. I never go anywhere and pretty much stay in my room most of of the time. I HAVE NO LIFE!!! My depression and anxiety cause this inertia in my life, I feel so stuck and I don't know what to do about it. Then there's my IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and that feeds the depression and anxiety and helps keep me immobilized. I worry about my stomach getting really bad again like it was at Christmastime. I was so sick I couldn't eat, everything I ate made me feel like I was going to be sick or something. I couldn't keep food down when I did eat and I lost a lot of weight. I had excruciating abdominal pain and diarrhea that wouldn't stop, it was awful. I was in the E.R. twice and they just said it was my IBS, probably triggered by a viral infection and sent me home, after taking like 7 vials of blood, pumping me full of I.V. fluids, and giving me X-Rays, ultrasounds and other tests to rule out more serious conditions like appendicitis and gallbladder problems. After my first E.R. visit I started feeling better and tried to start eating more normally, only to get horribly sick and end up back in the E.R. a second time. I discovered that I needed to change the way I eat and I started eating again, this time starting with bland, easy to digest foods like crackers, toast, bananas, rice, applesauce, potatoes, etc., and then adding grilled chicken, pork, and shrimp. I then started eating vegetables and other healthy things that I liked eating. I pretty much gave up eating dairy because it was hard on my stomach. I eventually was diagnosed as lactose intolerant, after having mashed potatoes at Easter that were made with milk and butter and getting diarrhea that lasted for over a week. Once I completely gave up dairy and made sure I read labels on things to make sure that weren't made with dairy products, I slowly started to get over the diarrhea. I had to change my diet one more time, to a low residue/low fiber diet and I finally got the diarrhea under control, only to develop constipation. As a result of my diet changes, especially eliminating greasy, fatty, fried foods, I lost a lot of weight. Last May I weighed 180lbs, and due to exercise and an antidepressant that suppressed my appetite, I went from 180lbs to 160lbs in like 5 or 6 months. Then when I got sick I went from 160lbs to 140lbs in only 2 or 3 months. I continued to lose weight and now I only weigh 110lbs. I like the way I look now, but I worry about the effect that this much weight loss has had on my health. I just know I am absolutely fed up with my stomach acting up all the time. I am tired of worrying about eating something that may cause my stomach to get really bad like it was at Christmas. I never want to be that sick again in my life. I am sick of constipation, sick of diarrhea, sick of abdominal pain, sick of gas, sick of wondering what I can eat without getting sick, sick of being sick. I am just sick of IBS and how it seems to be taking over my life. I am sick of the way the anxiety and depression seem to be also taking over my life and of how they feed the IBS and how the IBS feeds the depression and anxiety. I am sick of struggling and sick of feeling trapped by these conditions. I am sick of feeling afraid to have a life because of my IBS, Anxiety, and Depression and the way they make me feel. I am SO SICK OF FEELING LIKE I HAVE NO LIFE!!! I JUST WANT TO BE FREE!!!! I JUST WANT TO FEEL HAPPY AND BE HEALTHY AGAIN!!! Is that so much to ask????

So far so good...I guess

So far my depression and anxiety blog is doing well, I guess. I have gotten some comments about my posts and it seems like people are interested in my story. I have written about the abuse I went through as a child and those are the posts that seem to have gotten the most comments. This whole blogging thing is a great idea and I am definitely going to be keeping it up. I think I might be able to turn my depression and anxiety blog into a pretty good book eventually. I sure hope I can, because I really would love to be able to write a book and get it published. I have discovered things that I felt during my childhood and afterward that I didn't even realize I felt. I have realized that I remember more things about that time than I thought I did, and more things than I really wanted to remember. It is helping me to get things out that I have bottled up for a long time. This is definitely something I should be doing and I will definitely keep it up. This blog is also helpful because I can just get things out and be random. This blog is where I come to vent and talk about what comes up in writing my other blog. It is where I come to let off steam when I am angry or to try to come up with ideas when I am stuck. It is where I can let my mind wander and so come up with a good idea or new way of looking at things. This blog is more like a journal than the other one, it is a place where I can just write what comes to mind and let my thoughts just flow. It really is quite random and that's just the way it's going to stay.

A new blogging schedule

I have decided to try a new blogging schedule. I have decided to post to my blogs 2-3 times per week instead of just once each week. I need the writing practice, and I want to try to attract more readers to my blogs. If I blog more often, I should be able to attract more readers. I have a lot to say and want to be able to get it all out. I want to be able to share all these things with people in the blogosphere who are like me so maybe I can help them and just to let them know they are not alone just as there are blogs I read that let me know that I am not alone. I am very serious about this writing and blogging thing and I want to do everything I can to make sure it works out. I have been reading up on blogging and have found lots of information to help me have good blogs and keep them up. Some books I have read are:

• The Rough Guide to Blogging by Jonathan Yang
• The Huffington Post Complete Guide to Blogging by the editors of the Huffington Post with an Introduction by Arianna Huffington
• Clear Blogging: How People Blogging are Changing the World and How You Can Join Them
• The Complete Idiot's Guide to Creating a Web Page & Blog Sixth Edition by Paul McFredries

• Practical Advice on Creating and Maintaining Your Blog: The Weblog Handbook by Rebecca Blood

There is a lot of good information in these books about building and maintaining blogs, increasing traffic, commenting, and more. There are also a lot of good websites and blogs that are discussed in these books. I am finding them very helpful in developing both this blog and my anxiety and depression blog. I will be adding some of the websites and blogs to the blogrolls on both of my blogs, for future reference and for visitors to link to those websites if they want.

Intrusive thoughts

I wish I knew why I had intrusive thoughts of scary, horrible, bad, uncomfortable things that nobody would want to think about all the time. Out of nowhere I will think of things in my life that were scary, painful, humiliating, and awful and just be unable to get these negative and intrusive thoughts out of my head. Why!?!?!? I just dredge up every thought that I would rather forget and ruminate on them without being able to stop myself from doing it! I hate it! I just wish I could stop doing it!!! I just don't know how to deal with these negative thoughts and images. It is part of having anxiety and depression, my brain does these things because those conditions alter the way it works. I don't want to have anxiety and depression anymore, they make life so difficult and I can't handle it anymore. I hope this dialectical behavioral therapy I am starting soon can help me get past these conditions. I know I have to be willing to do the work in this therapy, it will be more intense than my individual therapy and it will be a group therapy as well, which will give me people to talk to and more support during this difficult time in my life. I know my individual therapist has given me things to do outside of therapy but I haven't always done them. I should really try these things, they might help. I just wish I could supplement the therapy with medication, but I can't take my medication right now, I have too much anxiety about it to be able to do it. I hope this new therapy will help, because I am so tired of my anxiety and depression and the way they cause me to react to things. I am over being sad, scared, lonely, and stuck in this horrible dark place that depression and anxiety keeps me in. I guess I just have to be open to the therapy and willing to try to get better. I just have to be willing to work on the homework and the things we work on in the therapy sessions, and really give the therapy a chance. Because I can't keep living the way I am now, constantly afraid to actually have a life, because something bad might happen, and just hiding from life itself because I am depressed, afraid, and unable to cope with my emotions and my responses to everyday life. Writing is extremely helpful in coping with depression and anxiety, it is quite therapeutic and it just helps me get my thoughts together and express them in a way that makes sense. It allows me to figure out the things behind my feelings and reactions so I can make more sense of them. It is also just a good release for my feelings, it is good to just get things out of my system. Now most therapists I have had have suggested that I do relaxation tapes or CDs, or just practice relaxation techniques to help me deal with my feelings. I have done relaxaton tapes or CDs and they are helpful, but I don't do them regularly. If I practiced relaxation everyday, how much more helpful would it be than doing it every once in a while. If I did half of the things therapists have suggested to me to help cope with my feelings, how much better would I be doing? Well I am going to start doing relaxation everyday and see how much it helps. Once that becomes a habit, I am going to start journaling, and once that is a habit, then I will start reading affirmations everyday, and so on, until I have adopted some of the suggestions my therapists have given me over the years. My current individual therapist has asked me to keep track of my anxiety and depression in a notebook, making a note of the date, time of day, intensity, whether it was anxiety, depression, or both, what strategy I used to get through it, and the intensity after I used the strategy, so we can see if there are any patterns to my anxiety. I will continue to do that as long as she wants me to. She also wants me to do relaxation after I have used whichever strategy to get through the anxiety/depression at that time to see if I can calm down further. I will be trying that also. I have just decided that I have to give things a chance to actually help me before pushing them aside and saying that they don't help. I have to do whatever I can to get through this depression and anxiety and get to a healthier place again. I have to stop letting the anxiety and depresson win. I can't keep letting the anxiety and depression run my life, I have to take back control of my life again. And of course I have to keep on writing, it is one of the most therapeutic, helpful things I can do for myself.